Hey, America. Santa here.
Look, I’m just gonna be ho-ho-honest with you: Christmas is canceled this year.
I know, I know. You’re probably already pretty upset right now. But let’s be real about this: I’m an undocumented North Pole resident who travels to your country illegally once a year—definitely without papers. With Obamacare likely to be repealed, I can’t afford healthcare for my reindeer or elves (all of whom are hitting the ’nog pretty hard right now). Moreover, I’m man enough to admit that my toys are largely made in China, and we’re just not sure of our ability to import products if the president-elect raises tariffs as threatened.
And on top of that, our home is melting — and your next president thinks global warming is a ho-ho-hoax perpetuated by the Chinese.
Let’s look on the bright side: we had a lot of fun, memorable Christmases over the past 2,015 years. Remember that time you got that limited-edition action figure you wanted? Or that snowy Christmas when good little Barry Obama was elected president?
Yes, those were pretty great Christmases. Let’s leave them as good memories.
I really can’t remember the last time the United States has elected someone so, so naughty. Yes, Georgie Bush had his bad moods, but mostly because of that Richie Cheney friend who hung around him. What a bad influence.
But scrappy little Donnie Trump is just about the naughtiest they come! Groping girls, starting fights, threatening to build walls. It might be Donnie’s heart is two sizes too small.
Frankly, I’m concerned about the naughty boys and girls that Little Donnie has been hanging around with. Pretty much the entire president-elect’s cabinet is slated to get coal this year (just like pretty much every year they’ve been alive). Little Christopher Christie threw a big tantrum and made driving very difficult for the good boys and girls of Fort Lee, New Jersey. (Very, very naughty.) Mikey Pence has been a very bad bully to kids who might be a little different than he is. (Very, very, very naughty.)
And Stevie Bannon may be the naughtiest of them all. I won’t even get into his file.
Also, quite frankly, Missus Claus just won’t let me fly my sleigh over your country anymore. She said she was worried that the sleigh’s “CO-EXIST” bumper sticker could get me in trouble in certain towns.
I know some American kids might be very sad about this, but remember — there are a lot of Ukrainian and Mexican children who could use some extra presents this year.
Kris Kringle is a freelance writer and eternal spirit who works in the packing and shipping industry.